Dream Log//10.16

First off, holy balls I cannot stop sneezing.
Anyways, gonna write up what I remember of last night's dream, because it was really good and I wanna remember it and make a comic out of it.
Some back story is necessary for this, of course. It involves the guy I had a crush on in my last 2 years of high school. He was 2 grades younger than me, but I think he's a year younger? Anyways our relationship was basically us playing chicken to see who could make the first move and talk. Yeah it happened for neither of us. Only ever learned his name from my cousin.
Oh nope just did the math he's 2 years younger well that makes me feel a bit better about never seeing him again
Anyways he was really tall and really cute and quiet and I think it would be really awk if he ever found this and somehow tracked it to me but I doubt he would so w/e
The dream went something like this; we were at my old high school and we were in class. Me and him were talking about something, and I guess we were going to the city or a baseball game together or something?? I remember he liked baseball a lot
Anyways when it was time for us to leave we approached his car with his family in it bc he cant drive or anything and I guess I was just associating it with when I did see him in cars which he wasn't driving
Anyways I instantly freaked out and thought OH YOU KNOW I FORGOT SOMETHING I DONT WANNA MAKE YOU LATE SO YOU JUST GO ON AHEAD and walked away and he grabbed my arm and was like dude youre coming arent you lets go!! and I was like OH...YEAH HAHAHA and anyways after that we ended up in a park because it wasnt time to go but for some reason his family was hanging around us too and I was kinda weirded out but whatever we were goofing off on the swings but my freaking skirt kept flipping up and I was super embarrassed because his parents were RIGHT THERE and oh look so were my goddamn shorts under my skirt and i kept trying to keep my skirt down but it just wouldnt STAY DOWN and it was so freaking embarrassing
Anyways after that we hung around his house for a bit where I met this guy who talked for his dad?? because his dad didn't like talking idk it was weird
Anyways after that we went to the game, which to me was a blur because we left early, and then we were having dinner in a restaurant, and his dad's speaker was like "His parents don't really like you for their son, you're too indecent and sex crazed" and I gave them a look like....what??? Where did that even come from?? This was a date?? I thought we were just hanging out or something what? And I guess I was getting visibly upset because my crush grabbed me and we darted out of there and into i think like a department store or something
we kept joking around about dumb stuff and I guess he was trying to get me to stop thinking about stuff like that and he kept saying stuff that made me think he was gonna confess or something and it made me feel weird because I was like dude wait what
I was mostly concerned with asking him about the whole indecent and sexual thing because i was just like oh god its because my skirt kept flipping up isnt it
and I wanted to tell him im not hugely sexual or anything I haven't even kissed anyone because i was like omg what if that got him to kiss me but that would have been weird right
anyways we skipped around with our conversations while exploring the shopping center we ended up in and he kept saying stuff like "I don't know what my parents are thinking, you're fine just how you are--" and he kept slipping up and almost I guess confessing or just about to say something embarrassing and i just kinda shrugged it off like w/e if he wants to say it he can I just enjoy his company so I'm good
anyways after a long time of window shopping and chatting he finally outs with what he almost said all day and apparently wanted me to dress up as some anime character he liked and im like whatever dude I do this normally enough
and he was super embarrassed about it and i thought it was kinda cute and he gave me a bag with the outfit and wig and i went into a dressing room and I think thats when I woke up
anyways it was a weird dream and realizing hes now 16 and I will probably never see him again and I'm a big creepy weirdo 
It made my heart hurt I guess :"(
I kinda miss having my heart beat fast whenever I saw a certain person or just feel fluttery thinking about someone
even if it was just hardcore infatuation its just like man im lonely
sad life, man

6.25

It's been quite a while since I've made a post, huh?
Today, I make a fresh start. I have a new look, and hopefully a new outlook on life.
A good friend told me yesterday "You're really angry lately...I really hate seeing you like that." and it sort of clicked with me.
I sort of got caught up in the rush of being mad at someone, and for that, I'm sorry. Being angry doesn't suit me, and it still doesn't feel right.
Today, I make a new start. And I'm going to leave the past behind. The bad times did outweigh the good in many aspects, but not the good times that it brought me and will come. I met my best friends because of it after all (lookin at u taro & squeegee). My past is not part of who I am. I really do like how it shaped me--sure, my anxiety got worse and I'm probably a bit more doormatty than I'd like to be, but I really like caring for people, especially in this day and age when others don't bother to care for themselves.
You know, maybe I am just here to help people, but I think now, I'm okay with that. Recognition was fun, but I don't need it anymore. It's really nice to just sit and observe. It's really nice to just do things because they're nice to do. I think in a world like today, we need more people doing things just because it feels right, not because it's necessary or whatever.
I love everyone in my life a whole lot and I'm not going to be mad anymore. I love life, and everything is absolutely wonderful. The world truly is a beautiful place.
Anyways, I should go get ready because I'm gonna go pick up some job applications today!
Wish me luck!

6.2

I give up
why do i bother
i just
who is testing me
did i fail
i guess i did

5.31

I try so hard to forget this feeling.
No matter how hard I try to move on I can't let go.
Looks like I'm stuck like this for a while.

5.20

I've been watching lots of derpaderpaderp with Alex this weekend.
It makes me both really happy and really sad.
Lots of it is about coping with change.
I think something really significant to me is "We may not even be this tight, this time next year. So I wanted us to make good memories now."
Basically yolo
But more elegant.
I think I spend too much time stressing over the inevitable. Why can't I just be happy with what's happening now, you know?
I'll never know when I'll get to have another experience like the ones I'm having now. I think that's my main motivation for finishing miss martian. I know I'm not planning on wearing that outfit of hers again for a while--and I know I want to remake it before next time. Unless I like how it ends up for some reason.
I guess I just really cherish these simple moments.
I'm stressed and worried at the moment, somewhat lonely sometimes.
But I love my life, and everyone in it is really precious to me.

5.19

Ahh I slept in. 
Everything is going to be thrown off today.
Sigh, I hope things go well regardless.

5.15

I'm so tired
you don't even know

5.13

I don't think I want to use tumblr all that much anymore. If I want to connect with someone it will be on facebook or dA or twitter or something.
I'm not too fond of it anymore and having all of my innermost thoughts and whatnot for a bunch of random people to read really makes me feel...weird. I guess it's all the attention whoring going on it nowadays?
"LOOK AT MY PERFECT SIGNIFICANT OTHER"
"LOLLLL MAN IM SO HORNYYYY"
"HAHAHA GUYS CHECK OUT MY SUUUUUUPER SECRET PERSONAL BLOG BUT DONT ASK FOR THE URL BECAUSE ITS FOR CLOSE FRIENDS ONLY BUT LOOK AT HOW SUPER SECRET IT IS"
And TMI Tuesday and Sexual sunday and just askbox whoring I just realize like man I wish I could have people learn about me and I can learn about them! But honestly its alot easier when I'm just talking to them because it's easier to figure out how they work and all of that kind of stuff.
And oh my god all of the social justice and asspats and whining and people going "I hate tumblr" while they sit there and blog about it IF YOU HATE IT SO MUCH WHY DONT YOU JUST LEAVEdhbsjkdrf
I can't
handle it
it's fucking ridiculous
Fuck that shit
I'm outie, man.
Goes on unfollowing spree

5.12

I am stronger than this.
I'm not replaceable.
I am precious and important to them.
I have trouble recognizing it, but nobody is to blame for how they feel.
Opening my heart up to others hurts alot, but I think I can cope and manage with it, for now.
Who knows what the future may bring.
It'd be kind of funny if my story ended like Poochy's.
Anyways, time to work today!
Gotta get a good portion of squiddlejacket done so I can work on mothers day things tonight. c:
I'm really happy.
I really can kick myself out of my own funk! I can do this.
I can handle anything!!!

5.11

I hate myself alot today.

Why am I so stupid?

Why do I put so much trust into others? Why do I expect people to trust me so much?

What the hell am I even doing?
I'm so stupid. I'm so goddamn stupid.

I can't speak up for the one thing I work my ass off to protect.

I can't even bring myself to tell people about it.

I'm pathetic.

I'm the worst.

I can't prove anything to anyone.

I can't prove anything to myself.

I'm such a fucking asshole.

I don't deserve kindness, so I need to stop expecting it.

I'm only here to please and protect.

I seek no gain for what I do.

And I guess I need to come to terms with that.

God, I hate myself today.

5.10 VIDEO LOG

I made a video instead of typing anything up !!
But yes. 

5.10//Dream Log

Ahh I had such an interesting dream last night!!
I was myself but at the same time I was Izumi...
It's hard to explain. Cuz like, my friends in it referred to me as me, and then other people referred to me as Izumi and in a mirror I looked like her and it was weird...
Anyways it was pretty interesting! I was hanging out with my friends and my cousins(GOD MY COUSINS ARE ALWAYS IN MY DREAMS LMAO) and I got overwhelmed or irritated or something and it caused me to run off from everyone else.
I hung out in a secluded area for a while until Takuya found me and grabbed my arm, and told me he had to show me something. This is around the time my dream got all Frontier-ey and when I realized I was Izumi in it. Anyways they brought me inside this building(It reminded me of the school I took the SAT at) and I walked in with him and there was this huge group of people who looked vaguely familiar (I would have gotten a better look but I think they were the digidestined from the other seasons.)
Anyways he was like "You and Kouji need to talk." and I saw him and he looked kind of happy to see me, but I suddenly felt really angry and pushed my way to the door and ran off. I remember hearing him yell something like "Wait--!!" but I had already dashed off, I knew him and Takuya were chasing me but I was like NOPE NOPE NOPE I AM NOT TALKING TODAY NOPE and I was mad about something BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT....KOUJI WHAT DID YOU DO?!?!?!?!?!!!!
Anyways after that I went back to the top of the park where my friends and cousins were waiting for me and they wouldn't stop asking me questions about Takuya and Kouji and bout how they were looking for me and were wondering where I was. I don't remember how I replied, though. I remember something about a webpage....but that's about it?
Anyways it was cold and I was....Izumi so I was even colder, so Leslie gave me a blanket and we started walking to her house because apparently we were in her town and I was just like "lmao ok."
I didn't see any signs of Takuya or Kouji after that, but I do remember being shown a laptop before we left asking if I wanted to reply to a message from Kouji, and I said I'd check it later.
Anyways, that's when I woke up.
I just....want to know....what Kouji did............

Hey.

Don't give up, okay?
I know things are hard now. I know, you feel unwanted and hated and it sucks.
"I don't belong here." "Nobody wants me here." "I'm so pathetic."
That's what's going through your mind, right?
I know what that's like.
You're not motivated to do anything. You're not motivated to take care of yourself. You don't feel like you deserve it, you don't feel like doing anything but staring blankly into space and beating yourself up mentally and sometimes physically.
But I'm just here to tell you--you don't deserve it.
I'm on a break from tumblr for a while because that place keeps pissing me off, but I do check everyones pages every morning.
I want you around.
Everyone else--we  want you around.
I'm sorry you have to deal with stupid people who do nothing but talk bad about you. Who do nothing but criticize you and not even treat you like a person. And you sit there and take it.
I don't think you running away is cowardly--I think it's smart. Protect yourself from things like that. Run away before it gets too bad. Fight or flight--there's a time to face the problem and there's a time to run off and analyze it.
Sometimes you just have to look sadness right in the eye and kick it.
In the balls.
But it's okay to be sad for a while--did you know the only sure-fire cure for depression is waiting?? One day it just goes away!!
I mean, the wait is tedious as hell, but I know you can do it c: Keep yourself distracted!! Watch silly things! Draw silly things! Hang out with people!
You don't deserve this at all. And honestly it pisses me off that people keep doing this to you. 
People are awful sometimes, I guess.
My doors are always open, so whenever you need someone to talk to or hang out with, feel free.
I'll be on facebook or twitter most of the time, hahaha.
I love you, and I hope you can get through this.
Because I know you can.
I believe in you.
I always will.

5.7

Day 1, ahahaha.
I've had a pretty great day, but I tried to exercise today and realized that I've been cutting far too many calories from my diet. I get my mind set on something and I overdo it, uuuuugh.
I mean, I don't expect to lose too much by fanime. I'll be surprised if I lose any fat actually ahahaha.
But UGH THESE PANTS
PRINCESS BUBBLEGUM
YOU WILL HAPPEN WHETHER YOU WANT TO OR NOT
AND YOU WILL BE NEATLY SEWN.
>:IIIII

5.6

I got a bit of work done, so I'm happy. My 2 week break starts tomorrow. Nothing but cosplay and homework for 2 weeks. No tumblr or skype, haha.
I'm a bit depressed about it, I'm going to be alienating my friends even more. I think it's for the best though. I need to take care of myself. I can do this. I'm capable.
I'm not sure why I'm so scared to talk in english class tomorrow. Maybe it's because I'm presenting a poster I did nothing on. I mean, sure, it was my concept, but I didn't actually physically do anything to it. God, I'm horrible sometimes.
I can't wait until Thursday! Ahh Tsuritama makes me smile. I hope Keito doesn't die ; ;
I wish I could go to the prom thing on Saturday. But I can't do a sleepover and then not spend mother's day with my mom. I'd feel really bad. She's doing so much for me this year and doing her best for me and I really think that she deserves a nice day off.
Besides, I have the baccano party and fanime to look forward to anyways, haha.
I'm sort of bummed I'm not going to ball. It's far too expensive and everyone at school kind of sucks, so it's not a big loss, I just
I'm sort of bummed that I never got to experience much of anything in high school.
Sigh.
Guess I'll go watch videos with waifu or something to make me feel better before bed.

5.4

I've had lots on my mind lately. I've been having lots of different thoughts--good, bad, what have you. Most of them have been some sort of variety of "I don't belong here." "They don't want me around." "Why am I so annoying? Why am I so whiny? Do they even want me around anymore?"
And you know, sometimes I have those days where I feel like nothing is going right and that I feel like my friends are just writing things out of obligation.
But a something occurred to me today.
I'm not struggling to fit in with my friends. I'm not straining myself to keep them close to me. I'm just being myself. I'm afraid of drifting from them now, but that's my fault for isolating myself.
But one thing I know for certain.
I belong here. I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.
I'm home.
I've never felt at home before.
It feels wonderful.
I love my friends alot.

Dream log//5.3

Lol I forgot to type this up yesterday
Anyways! My dream. It's a miracle I still remember it.
I remember I was in the city by myself, and it was raining.
I was going around different restaurants because I apparently was meeting a friend or something like that. I think I was meeting someone?? I don't remember that too well.
Anyways I was in the right place, but I was sitting and waiting for a while. I was getting kind of worried like "WHAT IF THEY DIED WHAT IF THEIR CAR SLID AND THEY CRASHED INTO A POLE" and that kind of stuff,
and as I was sitting around, these really familiar kids walked in. Like they were super familiar.
It was the main 3 tamers from digimon tamers.
They came up to me, too. They were like "Heyyyy!!! What's up! What are you doing here?"
And because I was in the middle of worrying I turned into this sad blubbery mess and was just like "TAKATOOOSIJSDKNKFNJN I THINK MY FRIEND DIED OR SOMETHING" and Takato started hugging me and trying to calm me down while Henry and Rika were standing there all concerned or some shit.
I think Takato would give really good hugs if he was real
And he was just like "Are you sure? Are you completely positive? Maybe they're just running late!"
"I hope..." 
and then my phone rang
which is weird because I always keep it on silent
Anyways I answered it and it was who I was meeting and they were like "HEEEEEEEEYYYYY I'M HANGING OUT WITH YER COUUUUSIIIINNN"
You know
the nosy annoying one who thinks she knows everything
So I sat there confused for a moment before it set in and was like "I GOTTA GO"
And Takato let go of me and was just like "oh okay good luck!"
and so I rushed over to where they said they were because I had to save them from the pain that is my cousin.
And then I woke up.
Yeah idk it was weird
BUT I FINALLY HAD A DIGIMON DREAM kind of not really
close enough

5.2

Goals for Summer:

• Lose like 20-30 lbs. Been too lazy to actually lose weight for Fanime--want to get fit for Artemis and just sort of in general
• Secure a job!! (at least for the summer.)
• Remember to sign up for classes
• Clean out old wardrobe (want to get it down to at least 1/3 it's original size)
• Buy new clothes that actually fit lmao
• BUY NEW UNDERWEAR YOU HAVE HAD THE SAME UNDERWEAR SINCE MIDDLE SCHOOL ITS ALL WORN OUT AND YOU NEED NEW ONES also new bras because theyre just too big for you now (weeps)
• Hang out with people, catch up with people.
• Find confidence. Its in there somewhere.
• Get driver's license.
• Learn to relax.

I've also been considering starting up a store of like, printed skirts and bows and accessories. I want to make digimon crest printed fabric ok......maybe some custom skirts to go along with the tshirts I wanna sell?? I mean shirring isn't that hard and I could do that and make most of them onesize.......
Chinstroke
I've also considered making a youtube channel for videos or perhaps just put tutorials on this blog?? Man I should get my camera back or something
Hmm yeah

5.1

I see my friends post on tumblr and for some reason I feel so distant now.
They're my close friends--my best friends. But I'm scared to talk to them or bother them. I feel like a bystander who has no impact on their life.
I want to stop feeling this way.
My friends do not hate me and I am not a bad person. My friends love me and care about me just as I do for them.
This is really hard.
Cooking usually takes the edge off of things--but I haven't been cooking lately. Not on my diet. I have to be really strict with myself and the amount of food I eat and if I cook I'll be tempted to eat more.
Ugh I hate this
I hate being so unhappy
Darnit
I'm so scared and lonely but I think being alone will do some good for me
Yeah.....

4.27

Lately, I've been feeling that nostalgic tug in my chest.
I miss the summer.
I feel happy it's warming up because soon I'll be able to see my friends more often
I'll be feeling a bit less stress.
I miss cooking for people. 
I just miss the summer so much.
Oh shoot I gotta leave for school!
Just needed to write this down.

4.24

Hellooooo!!
I think I'll write up a proper introduction later.
But for now, I suppose I'll use you for my intended purpose! Writing down my thoughts.
I'm really excited to go to school today! I have really good classes even though I'm stuck weeping in compsci about that stupid program. Oh well, I can get help for it today.
I'm super duper pumped for Autoshop!! Like okay I never thought I'd say that but since I'm able to just sit and do bookwork and keep away from the people who make me uncomfortable and nervous. I'm pretty proud of myself for being able to discuss how they make me feel. Because I hate sitting around listening to them talk about drugs and alcohol and parties and sex and it's just bfdshsdnj NOBODY CAAAAAARES though they did forget their shop glasses yesterday so I had to sit there and listen to them do nothing but talk about things and be tools and it was loud and annoying. But I did my work on coolant so it's ok ヽ(゜∇゜)ノ
I think today I'll work on either oil changes or engine maintenance. 
Fanime is so soon ahhhh I'm like half excited half flipping out because I HAVENT FINISHED ANYTHING IM NOT EVEN CLOSE AND I NEED TO ORDER BODYPAINT AND TIGHTS FOR MISS MARTIAN AND PEEBLES AND I NEED TO PAINT MY MISS M SHIRT AND BUY FABRIC FOR THE CAPE AND BUY FABRIC FOR MY OTHER STUFF AND STUDS FOR SERAH AND FHDJKDKS weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeps
but no i can do this
I just need to
focus
yes
ok I gotta go get ready and see what there is to eat so!!