Dream Log//10.16

First off, holy balls I cannot stop sneezing.
Anyways, gonna write up what I remember of last night's dream, because it was really good and I wanna remember it and make a comic out of it.
Some back story is necessary for this, of course. It involves the guy I had a crush on in my last 2 years of high school. He was 2 grades younger than me, but I think he's a year younger? Anyways our relationship was basically us playing chicken to see who could make the first move and talk. Yeah it happened for neither of us. Only ever learned his name from my cousin.
Oh nope just did the math he's 2 years younger well that makes me feel a bit better about never seeing him again
Anyways he was really tall and really cute and quiet and I think it would be really awk if he ever found this and somehow tracked it to me but I doubt he would so w/e
The dream went something like this; we were at my old high school and we were in class. Me and him were talking about something, and I guess we were going to the city or a baseball game together or something?? I remember he liked baseball a lot
Anyways when it was time for us to leave we approached his car with his family in it bc he cant drive or anything and I guess I was just associating it with when I did see him in cars which he wasn't driving
Anyways I instantly freaked out and thought OH YOU KNOW I FORGOT SOMETHING I DONT WANNA MAKE YOU LATE SO YOU JUST GO ON AHEAD and walked away and he grabbed my arm and was like dude youre coming arent you lets go!! and I was like OH...YEAH HAHAHA and anyways after that we ended up in a park because it wasnt time to go but for some reason his family was hanging around us too and I was kinda weirded out but whatever we were goofing off on the swings but my freaking skirt kept flipping up and I was super embarrassed because his parents were RIGHT THERE and oh look so were my goddamn shorts under my skirt and i kept trying to keep my skirt down but it just wouldnt STAY DOWN and it was so freaking embarrassing
Anyways after that we hung around his house for a bit where I met this guy who talked for his dad?? because his dad didn't like talking idk it was weird
Anyways after that we went to the game, which to me was a blur because we left early, and then we were having dinner in a restaurant, and his dad's speaker was like "His parents don't really like you for their son, you're too indecent and sex crazed" and I gave them a look like....what??? Where did that even come from?? This was a date?? I thought we were just hanging out or something what? And I guess I was getting visibly upset because my crush grabbed me and we darted out of there and into i think like a department store or something
we kept joking around about dumb stuff and I guess he was trying to get me to stop thinking about stuff like that and he kept saying stuff that made me think he was gonna confess or something and it made me feel weird because I was like dude wait what
I was mostly concerned with asking him about the whole indecent and sexual thing because i was just like oh god its because my skirt kept flipping up isnt it
and I wanted to tell him im not hugely sexual or anything I haven't even kissed anyone because i was like omg what if that got him to kiss me but that would have been weird right
anyways we skipped around with our conversations while exploring the shopping center we ended up in and he kept saying stuff like "I don't know what my parents are thinking, you're fine just how you are--" and he kept slipping up and almost I guess confessing or just about to say something embarrassing and i just kinda shrugged it off like w/e if he wants to say it he can I just enjoy his company so I'm good
anyways after a long time of window shopping and chatting he finally outs with what he almost said all day and apparently wanted me to dress up as some anime character he liked and im like whatever dude I do this normally enough
and he was super embarrassed about it and i thought it was kinda cute and he gave me a bag with the outfit and wig and i went into a dressing room and I think thats when I woke up
anyways it was a weird dream and realizing hes now 16 and I will probably never see him again and I'm a big creepy weirdo 
It made my heart hurt I guess :"(
I kinda miss having my heart beat fast whenever I saw a certain person or just feel fluttery thinking about someone
even if it was just hardcore infatuation its just like man im lonely
sad life, man

6.25

It's been quite a while since I've made a post, huh?
Today, I make a fresh start. I have a new look, and hopefully a new outlook on life.
A good friend told me yesterday "You're really angry lately...I really hate seeing you like that." and it sort of clicked with me.
I sort of got caught up in the rush of being mad at someone, and for that, I'm sorry. Being angry doesn't suit me, and it still doesn't feel right.
Today, I make a new start. And I'm going to leave the past behind. The bad times did outweigh the good in many aspects, but not the good times that it brought me and will come. I met my best friends because of it after all (lookin at u taro & squeegee). My past is not part of who I am. I really do like how it shaped me--sure, my anxiety got worse and I'm probably a bit more doormatty than I'd like to be, but I really like caring for people, especially in this day and age when others don't bother to care for themselves.
You know, maybe I am just here to help people, but I think now, I'm okay with that. Recognition was fun, but I don't need it anymore. It's really nice to just sit and observe. It's really nice to just do things because they're nice to do. I think in a world like today, we need more people doing things just because it feels right, not because it's necessary or whatever.
I love everyone in my life a whole lot and I'm not going to be mad anymore. I love life, and everything is absolutely wonderful. The world truly is a beautiful place.
Anyways, I should go get ready because I'm gonna go pick up some job applications today!
Wish me luck!

6.2

I give up
why do i bother
i just
who is testing me
did i fail
i guess i did

5.31

I try so hard to forget this feeling.
No matter how hard I try to move on I can't let go.
Looks like I'm stuck like this for a while.

5.20

I've been watching lots of derpaderpaderp with Alex this weekend.
It makes me both really happy and really sad.
Lots of it is about coping with change.
I think something really significant to me is "We may not even be this tight, this time next year. So I wanted us to make good memories now."
Basically yolo
But more elegant.
I think I spend too much time stressing over the inevitable. Why can't I just be happy with what's happening now, you know?
I'll never know when I'll get to have another experience like the ones I'm having now. I think that's my main motivation for finishing miss martian. I know I'm not planning on wearing that outfit of hers again for a while--and I know I want to remake it before next time. Unless I like how it ends up for some reason.
I guess I just really cherish these simple moments.
I'm stressed and worried at the moment, somewhat lonely sometimes.
But I love my life, and everyone in it is really precious to me.

5.19

Ahh I slept in. 
Everything is going to be thrown off today.
Sigh, I hope things go well regardless.

5.15

I'm so tired
you don't even know